I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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