dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
