After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
