Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
