so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
4 words: hood of his car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize