I think my vagina is haunted
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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