i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
