The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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