No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
