I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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