The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
