I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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