im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
