i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
