I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
