mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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