i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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