When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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