We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
