so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
