I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize