my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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