Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Are we still banned from the library?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
