i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
