I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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