They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
