roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
