All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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