I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
