I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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