I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
