Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
