I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
