haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
