It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
