I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
