new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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