operation have a gay friend backfired
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
