I feel great
I just peed on a car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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