it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
