all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"