Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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