Texts From Last Night

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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just fell off a train. Bad.

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  (512): Just fell off a train. Bad. http://tfl.nu/32cv
  Replies (3) Good night (796) Bad night (1175)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.

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  (515): He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar. http://tfl.nu/v158
  Replies (54) Good night (2824) Bad night (1093)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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  (630): But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino http://tfl.nu/qzo5
  Replies (8) Good night (681) Bad night (2975)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial

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  (757): this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial http://tfl.nu/3bm0
  Replies (11) Good night (667) Bad night (3822)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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  (423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o
  Replies (68) Good night (13370) Bad night (1510)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.

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  (251): the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville. http://tfl.nu/cwli
  Replies (37) Good night (1197) Bad night (5044)
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  (408): View more from California

  if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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  (408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd
  Replies (33) Good night (6032) Bad night (1388)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
  Replies (16) Good night (4240) Bad night (1141)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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  (512): Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food. http://tfl.nu/gt6w
  Replies (11) Good night (2757) Bad night (510)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.

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  (519): I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work. http://tfl.nu/8fuo
  Replies (3) Good night (1112) Bad night (383)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
  Replies (11) Good night (2739) Bad night (539)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Shania Twain would have been proud

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  (218): the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up (701): Shania Twain would have been proud http://tfl.nu/u6vz
  Replies (3) Good night (986) Bad night (250)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."

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  (+61): I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight." http://tfl.nu/s0wa
  Replies (7) Good night (392) Bad night (217)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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  (479): Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus? http://tfl.nu/0nek
  Replies (4) Good night (545) Bad night (304)
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

  (707): View more from California

  Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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  (559): Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!" (707): Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war. http://tfl.nu/84el
  Replies (6) Good night (1340) Bad night (259)

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