hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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