I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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