Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
