I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
