dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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