You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
