The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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