It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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