finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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