seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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