I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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