haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
