my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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