we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
