I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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