I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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