I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
